(I’m going to interrupt the typical articles I write on relationship to speak about something more practical, but at the same time, still having everything to do with relationship.)

Today my wife, Zolla, and I launched a new website called, PRAYERS FOR A CHILD. It details our journey towards finding the child we’ve always been praying for through the gift of adoption.

Here’s our story and how you might use the website to help us complete our journey:

THE BEGINNING OF OUR JOURNEY

It’s hard to know exactly when our adoption journey began. But, I know of one painful day eight years ago when the path became much clearer.

My wife and I were sitting in a medical clinic examination room in giddy spirits. We were about to have her first ultrasound and see our developing child for the very first time.

A few months prior, Zolla called me at work and I could barely understand her at first because she couldn’t stop crying while trying to talk. “I never thought it would happen!” I finally understood her say. “I never thought we’d get pregnant, but we are!”

And so, we were about to see this new life inside her. The ultrasound tech came in, smiling back at our excitement, and began the process to see the developing baby.

We looked closely at the screen, trying to catch a glimpse of this new life. But, I was also watching the technician, and began to see her expression change.

She left the room and came back with an OB doctor who pointed where the child was and told us it wasn’t moving. It had died at some point, had stopped developing, and we were were told that our hopes of finally having a child of our own would in this case end in a miscarriage.

Obviously, we were devastated. We mourned the loss of our child and still mourn it today. We had so long prayed for children and always believed that God would give us several to love and cherish. We even had names picked out for them and often imagined what they’d be like.

We kept trying to conceive, but were unable to do so. Because we married in our early 30s, we knew that as the years passed, conception would be more and more difficult.

DETOURS IN THE ROAD

We visited a fertility doctor to find out if there were reasons we could address for our inability to get pregnant again. My sperm count, etc. was tested and it came back normal. Zolla underwent a hysterosalpingogram to examine whether there were abnormalities in her uterus and fallopian tubes, but that also came back normal.

We then considered other options to improve fertility. We tried artificial insemination (IUI) with no positive results. We looked into in-vitro fertilization (IVF), but after some consideration decided against it due to a combination of personal ethics concerns, the extremely low-probability of success due to our advancing age, not to mention the exorbitant costs.

And so, we started considering the idea of adoption. Personally, I had always wanted a child from our own bodies and so avoided the idea of adoption until then. But when it became more and more unlikely that we’d ever have one of our own, I realized that raising a child from another mother would be just as meaningful and rewarding. God may have simply planned to answer our prayers for a child through the journey of adoption.

REACHING OUT ONLINE

And so, we just created www.prayersforachild.com, as well as setting up Facebook and Twitter pages. The internet and the world of social media have changed in many ways what we call “community”–the way we can reach out, find each other, and in this case, support each other in our joys, our sorrows, our needs, and our prayers.

Of course, the most miraculous fruit that could come from telling our story online would be that a birth mother who is considering placing her child with a loving family for adoption would find us and perhaps God would move her to investigate whether giving her child to us would be his will for all involved (if that is you, please read The Gift Of Your Child and About Us pages for more information on this possibility).

But, we are also hopeful to find advice and support from others online who have followed a similar journey, and perhaps even build a community all our own in celebration of the adoption and parenting journey.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

We need you to complete our adoption journey!

• Your Prayers - If you can do nothing else but join us in our prayers for a child, to intercede on our behalf for God to help us complete our adoption journey, we would be eternally grateful.

• Your Wisdom & Knowledge – We’re new to all this. If you have travelled this journey before as an adoptive parent, a birth mother, an adopted child, an advocate or agency employee, a church or fund-raising entity, we want to hear from you. Also, perhaps you have the knowledge that is most precious to us – a lead on a willing birth mother. If that is the case, please contact us right away with those details.

• Your Help Spreading The Word Online – It may very well be that willing birth mothers, prayer warriors, well-connected adoption professionals, or a generous charitable donors are all out there online and it’s just up to us to find them through the power of social networking.

1. Visit and become familiar with our website, Prayers For A Child.
2. Tell your friends about our site by going to the “SHARE THIS SITE” section in the upper-righthand corner of our website’s home page.
3. Join our Prayers For A Child Facebook and Twitter pages, and share those with your friends as well.

• Your Financial Support – Finally, we’re not ashamed to say that we also need your financial support. If you already contribute to other worthy causes, please consider counting our desire to give a child a lifetime of love and well-being to be among them, and prayerfully consider easing the large financial burden we will bear in completing our adoption journey. For more info on our adoption expenses and how to donate, visit our Ways To Support Us page.

AREAS TO EXPLORE ON OUR WEBSITE

OUR JOURNEY – (repeated in this post) The story of our desire for children, the sorrow we’ve faced through infertility, and our belief that God will answer our prayers for a child through the gift of adoption.

ABOUT US – Details about who we are: our biography and spiritual background, our pets, our location, lifestyle, our health and financial stability.

THE GIFT OF YOUR CHILD – Part of our prayers for a child are that, through this website, perhaps a birth mother who is considering whether to place her child with a loving family for adoption will find us online. If that’s you, please visit this page to find encouragement and support for your own journey, whether it ever involves us receiving a child from you or not.

WAYS TO SUPPORT US – Up till now, our adoption journey has been a lonely one. But, we realize that we can never complete it without your help: we need your prayers, your wisdom & knowledge, your help spreading the word online, and your financial support. Please visit this page to join us in community along our road to adoption.

NEWSLETTER- We hope to start an email newsletter that will include updates on our adoption journey and (if necessary) the occasional fundraising appeal. Subscribe to it here.

CONTACT US – If you are a willing birth mother or someone who wants to asks us questions or offer us encouragement, advice, or other support, please contact us here.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for joining us in our adoption journey!

John and Zolla Michalak

There is a mystery to belonging.

I’m usually reminded of this early on Sunday mornings. I bought one of those clock alarms with a CD player so you can wake up to the music of your choice rather than some annoying radio station or a loud buzzer.

We usually have a mix of tunes that begin our morning with a heart of worship, giving glory to God, which certainly helps our attitude as we start the day. The first one that comes on is an all-time favorite, Easter Song by Keith Green, celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

My wife, Zolla, and I always enjoy hearing this song as we awaken, but on Sunday mornings, it means a bit more. It begins a time together that is just our own, with no job to worry about, no dogs or cats to take care of, no television, no ESPN or SportsCenter, no friends, no family, no phone calls, no Facebook or internet–just my wife and I waking up together, talking and enjoying each other without distraction.

There’s a visceral sense of peace and belonging between us that no one else knows in the exact same way as we do during that time. And most often, it doesn’t matter if we had a big argument the night before. It doesn’t matter if I was an insensitive jerk or if she was critical or anxious.

When we hear Keith’s piano bursting through the web of our fitful dreams, we remember a mercy that comes renewed with the morning, and we remember that in our own little world when it’s just the two of us alone together, we get to experience the truest sense of unconditional acceptance and intimacy. It’s probably the time, more than any other, when I feel the most “married.”

But then, a few songs later, we hear the nuns of the Salzburg Abbey from the musical, The Sound of Music, invoking a glorious welcome to the industry and tasks of the day, and this is our reminder that it’s time for us to get out of bed if we’re going to make it to church on time. And so, we both groan for having to get up, but also for the loss of those fleeting moments.

Sure, we could set the alarm to go off earlier, which we have. Sure, I in particular could create more moments of quiet and intimacy, which I do and am working to get better at doing more. But for now, this has simply been our pattern, and because it’s this temporary moment of grace, it feels all the more precious to both of us.

My wife and I have been working with married couples for a number of years, and next week, I’ll be starting a new class on marriage at our local church. It was just an arbitrary matter of scheduling, but the class will begin the day after Easter, and so during this Holy Week I’m preparing for the class and have marriage on my mind as much as I have the suffering and resurrection of Christ.

But I wonder whether that’s really a coincidence. Marriage is perhaps my best daily example of the suffering and resurrection that Jesus experienced for our sakes. Paul said of him:

“I want to know Christ—to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.” – Philippians 3:10-11

We sometimes make jokes about the archaic phrasing in the Bible where Adam “knowing” his wife is simply a polite euphemism for sexual relations. And while it is perhaps just that, I think it also means a great deal more. Biblical knowing certainly goes beyond the cognitive knowledge of someone, and this is represented by the physical intimacy of marital sex, where the two become one in a mysterious one-flesh relationship.

But, anyone knows that there’s a lot more to a happy marriage than just sex. There’s intimacy in the realm of the intellect, of the emotions, and ultimately, in the realm of the spiritual. And, that, like marriage, is related to the way we can know Christ–a knowing, a communion, that can last for eternity.

Knowing Christ and this eternal sense of belonging, however, can only be reached through a crucifixion. In other words, the power of his Easter resurrection must be preceded by a participation in his suffering and death.

And so it is with marriage. When you get married, you can’t hide your selfishness any longer. It shows up in spades after you say your vows. And so the only way to truly have a lifelong marriage of happiness and true belonging, to truly know that other person physically, emotionally, spiritually and become one-flesh, you must die to that selfish desire to always go your own way.

My wife and I have felt this suffering, this not wanting to let go of our way of doing things, many times in our marriage. It hurts to let go of what I want. It feels like a death. I’ve spent ample time in mourning for the loss of my own way. But, no matter how justified I’ve felt in standing up for the conviction that I’m right, if it means that she and I end up not speaking to each other and living separately under the same roof, then all I ultimately feel in being right is dead right. Without her, I have no life that’s worth living. And so to know this type of resurrection life, I have to give myself up:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Ephesians 5:25,31-32

We all want to be accepted. We all want to belong. But most often, there is a price that must be paid for that acceptance. Christ paid that price 2,000 years ago so we as his church could know and belong to God, and through his power and guidance, my wife and I have the surreal opportunity to engage in this mystery of belonging in our marriage as well. In spite of all our weaknesses, she accepts me and I accept her.

So, it’s probably no accident that some of the most precious times in my marriage are heralded by a song about new life and the Easter resurrection. Not so coincidentally, it’s early on a Sunday morning when this mutual mercy is renewed with the dawn and I’m reminded of the price that was paid for my acceptance: both the price that is paid when my wife and I make the choice to put the needs of each other’s life above our own, and the price paid when Jesus placed the needs of the world above his right to life itself.

I don’t think there is a coincidence. There is a connection between marriage and the implications of Holy Week, except perhaps in their duration. With me and my wife, the celebration of our mutual acceptance so often occurs between Keith and the nuns, and it will last so long as we both shall live. With Christ and the church, the marriage celebration will never end.

(If you live near Statesville, North Carolina and would like to attend my marriage class, it begins next Monday, April 25th. Feel free to contact me or click HERE for more info.)

When I was very young and bursting with faith.

“There exists in most men a poet who died young, while the man survived.”
– Sainte-Beuve

It is one of the gifts of life to me that, no matter how old we are, we’re never far from the glory and imagery of childhood.

We, of course, spend perhaps a quarter of our life as children. Then, sometime soon after becoming adults (and sometimes before) many of us have children of our own and raise them into our middle years (and sometimes beyond). Our children then have children, and if we’re granted years beyond the average span, our greatness is measured by how many of their children surround us.

For people like me and my wife, we have the gift of nieces and nephews, the children of friends and extended family. So, unless we’re monks or highly reclusive, children and childhood are always around us.

Many of the reasons for this gift are obvious. Some are beyond our comprehension. Children infuse our decaying psyches with the pulse of renewal, of innocence and purity. Children give us hope. They shock us out of the mundane drone of anxious reality into living in the rapturous present–the unrestrained belly laugh; the melodious giggle; the faraway gaze; the bursting enthusiasm; the playful absorption. They remind us of guileless friendship and interdimensional joy. Their life’s purpose is seated in love and connection. Imagination isn’t a word they use. It’s the lens through which they see everything.

Scripture speaks often of the lessons of childhood. It speaks of what it means to be a child and what it means to grow up. But, I think, when we become adults, we often misinterpret these lessons. We exempt ourselves from the lessons of childhood because, as adults, we think we don’t need them any more. But, as spiritual children, no matter our age, we’re really never beyond needing them.

Certainly, most reading this have reached adulthood—we have jobs, we pay our taxes, we take out the trash. In the context of the physical world, we have reached maturity. We have left our father and mother and have a sense of sovereignty and autonomy over the physical universe.

But, what about the spiritual world? Are we likewise spiritual “grown-ups,” not needing a transcendent Father to protect us and help us make sense of things? Spiritually, no matter the assessment of our own maturity, shouldn’t we always remain the little child who can look with an unknowing awe and unrestrained dependence toward their daddy?

Perhaps we have grown spiritually in some areas, but unknowingly, are still children in others. Or, having grown some, perhaps we learned an important lesson as spiritual children, but in our seasoned maturity, we have forgotten what it was. God often calls us backward in order to move us forward.

As adults of this world, we live lives of responsibility and restraint. But, spiritually, we could stand to remember the uninhibited passion of childhood. And not just the passion to enjoy what’s good in life, but a passionate transparency to cry out to anyone who would listen when things are not so good.

Scripture does say that we shouldn’t remain children. That we should grow spiritually. But again, most of us never really have the chance to grow up because we won’t first regress into spiritual infancy. We think our goal in life should be to seek greatness. Control. Accomplishment. But, Christ said we should instead humble ourselves and seek him with all the dependence and frailty of a little child.

Growing up can be hard and there are some memories of youth we wouldn’t want to repeat. But we serve a God who makes all things new, and the Kingdom of Heaven is found, not in the security of adulthood, but in the precarious wonder of starting over with a remembered innocence.

So, whatever our age, any hope we might have for our future lies not just in being born again, but in growing up again. And, as we grow up again in him, we are called the “children of promise.”

“See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God. And we are!…And, it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is…everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.” — 1 John 3:1-3

I’ve always loved the old Spaghetti Westerns. Clint Eastwood rides into some frontier town covered with dust, mystery, and rawhide testosterone.

The Old West town he surveys is riddled with the oddest mix of characters: the snake-oil salesman bellows to anyone within shouting distance that he can cure all their ills; the preacher across the street shouts a solution to a different ailment–an eternity suffering in hellfire and brimstone; buxom prostitutes lean against brothel doors, selling their wares without uttering a single word; sentimental ladies stroll the boardwalk with modest dress and parasol, exchanging niceties; gold prospectors do a jig in praise of new-found riches; crowds in saloons are there for entertainment and the thrill of the game.

Now…imagine through some absurd use of creative license that Eastwood is transported through time and space to our present day and is given the knowledge to go on the internet and join such social networking sites as MySpace, Facebook and Twitter.

Our slant-eyed cowboy saunters into these virtual frontier communities, and what does he find? Well, not snake-oil salesmen exactly, but he is immediately pitched with the restorative properties of the acai berry and the potency of Cialis. No gold prospectors, but he is quickly approached about the millions that are just waiting for him with investments in online marketing, real estate ventures, or bank exchanges with Nigerian-hired barristers.

Sure, Clint may not find some old-school preacher speaking of doom-and-gloom, but he is riddled with bible-thumping status updates and invitations to blogs where he can pause and reflect on his spiritual well-being. And even rawhide Eastwood blushes at photos and video advertisements that make those old-time prostitutes look tame by comparison.

Instead of the enticements of saloon gambling, he is barraged with games like Farmville and Mafia Wars. Poor Clint even finds his profile buried in virtual flowers and teddy bears offered by sentimental ladies. And finally, our befuddled cowboy quickly learns the acronym “TMI” as he’s inundated with some of the most inane daily-life updates by the ordinary folks in this online town along with hundreds of photos of babies, pets, and weekend barbecues from people he’s barely heard of.

After experiencing such a futuristic horror our hardened gunslinger runs screaming from his computer and hides under the nearest pillow, dreaming of the relative safety of that Old West frontier.

*******

If you think about it, as dangerous as were the environmental hazards of living in the Old West, what seems more of a miracle is that anyone could survive the chaos of living with all those townfolk and their diverse interests and agendas. And while the online world of social networking is virtual, it’s also a wonder that we don’t all kill each outright or at least run screaming for safety–so many people with so many different expectations and pursuits trying to co-exist in the same virtual, frontier town.

Whether we realize it or not, most of us go online with inherent interests and pursuits, a pre-existing personality and makeup, and we subconsciously expect all those we interact with to basically fall in line. The fact that they don’t, or worse, that they expect us to be like them or want to enroll us in whatever program they’re into, comes as quite a shock. How dare they impose their Farmville, pet photos, or that get-rich sales pitch on us!

I’m sure I’ve tested some folks’ better angels with my blog advertisements or numerous status updates (including my unsolicited notice to my Facebook friends about today’s post!). No one’s complained, really, but I suspect I’ve been filtered or blocked by more than a few. I can be as guilty of this as anyone. News Flash: communities are full of imperfect people. So, probably all of us have, despite our best intentions, been insensitive to others’ expectations or spent too much time fuming over someone else’s infringements.

Just like living in any community, there are pros and cons to being part of these social networks. On the positive side, I have gained a great deal being online. I have made so many new friends, reunited with old ones, made new professional contacts, learned so many new things, and engaged in areas of dialogue I could never have found in the “real world.” Despite the things I find irritating, the good, for me, far outweighs the bad.

So, what’s the answer? I think the answer to behaving appropriately in the world of social networking is similar to the way we behave well in any real-world society. It’s simply by practicing The Golden Rule–to treat others as we’d want to be treated.

The Golden Rule is so simple and so easy. Why? Because I apply it by first focusing on my favorite subject-me! God really threw us a bone in the sense that the starting place for our love and compassion for others actually begins with our selfishness. It’s self-referential. I ask, ‘how would I want to be treated in this instance?’ Then the translation is simple. I treat others the same way.

So, for example: I personally don’t want someone to befriend me online and immediately start trying to sell me something, so I’m trying to get better at not inviting folks to my blog the minute after I befriend them (I am learning this one as I go). As another example, I don’t personally play Farmville, other games, or send gifts, but because I so often want people to listen when I reach out in ways they could find irritating, I typically accept all those flowers and teddy bears, and don’t block folks who constantly guilt me into helping them find their lost sheep.

It’s also helpful to remember that people most often do what they do because of need. People headed into the Old West frontier because they needed something. Freedom. Adventure. Spirituality. Commercial opportunity. Riches. Community. Here online, some just want entertainment, some want community, some want action, some want to make their first million, some want to just lurk quietly and be left alone.

Despite our diversity, one thing we certainly have in common is that we all have needs, and whether they’re casual or deeply felt, we’re all on here in hope that those needs might somehow get met. The Golden Rule is our path to this goal. But it says that we get our deepest needs met by first meeting the needs of others, or at least by being sensitive to those needs as we follow our own pursuits.

I’m not saying we aren’t right to use common-sense boundaries while online, whether it’s to protect our privacy, our safety, or simply our right to not be constantly hounded by spam, the latest sales pitch or some activity we find too frivolous for words. But, the boundaries we set should at least be equal to the respect we show for the boundaries of others when we ask them to accept whatever it is that we’re “selling.”

Part of the adventure of entering into a new frontier is that the future is bursting with possibility and opportunity. Imagine the possibilities that could come from reaching out to others online with grace and peace, especially when they least expect it…or deserve it. At the very least, it might bring a bit more civility to this wild, wild frontier town we’ve all come to live in.

Jesus said: “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

Have you ever heard of Viktor Frankl? He was an author and psychotherapist who died about 9 years ago at the age of 92. Among his other accomplishments, he wrote a great book called Man’s Search For Meaning. This book begins by showing the way Dr. Frankl would start out his therapy sessions with a new patient. Many of these patients would come to him at the end of their rope, wallowing in despair, and Frankl would start out by asking a simple question: “Tell me, why don’t you just commit suicide?” Seems like a pretty counterproductive way to begin therapy, wouldn’t you say? But, faced with such a stark question, these people, no matter how far gone in their hopelessness, were forced to come up with a credible answer. Why were they still alive? What sense of meaning made life worth living?

Frankl felt entitled to ask such a question because he himself had discovered the answer. His answer came in the concentration camps of Nazi occupied Europe. A Jewish Austrian, he was thrown into the camps for most of the war and, of course, barely survived (most around him didn’t). He was stripped of every layer of humanity left him, and survived on what is most basic to life–at least, what he discovered was most basic.

You see, he was sent to the camps with his beloved wife, but they were immediately separated, and he never saw her again. But, there was one thing that kept him going while in the camps–he could never actually be sure what happened to her. And his faith in that little uncertainty gave him hope. At the depth of his despair, he knew that he had to stay alive and live on. Why? Because, no matter how faint the odds, if it was even possible that there was someone out there who loved him and who he loved in return, he had a reason to live. Just this prospect alone gave his life meaning.

The idea that he learned and passed onto his patients was that Life is Relationship. If life has any merit, any meaning, it’s that we have the opportunity to love and be loved. Sometimes we need to be asked a startling question or endure a crisis to realize this, but this understanding exists within all of us. As goes the cliche, ‘no one on their deathbed ever wished they spent more time at the office.‘ But, it’s not a guarantee, it’s an opportunity, and it becomes something like a gift. For Frankl, it was his wife. For us, it could be a friend, a father, our spouse, our children. The sum of our worth or accomplishment in life is measured, not by how much money we have, how beautiful we are, how famous we are, but by the richness in our personal relationships.

But even in these relationships, we’re often faced with the sickly reality that we’re all pretty messed up as human beings. We often hurt and are hurt by the ones we’re closest to, often as much as we help, and being human, we’re also subject to another relational hurt–the pain of sickness and death–the pain of seeing a loved one suffer or even die. So, as much significance as we can get from our human relationships, they too can often fail us, and we’re left hungering for something more.

To me, that’s why God is the ultimate necessity for life and meaning. But, perhaps you’re one who asks the question, ‘how can I have a relationship with someone I haven’t even seen? How can that give me meaning?’ Well, it’s a bit like Dr. Frankl. He had faith in even the remote possibility of his wife’s existence, and that gave him hope. And, if we really search inside, even when we’re feeling the most hopeless or cynical about life, we’ll know that there is a God out there who loves us. Think about it. If in the deepest parts of our soul we realize that the only thing that gives life meaning, the only thing that makes life worth living, are our personal relationships, then doesn’t it make sense that the source of that life would also be personal, and relational?

In the face of our despair, we can have faith in this “little uncertainty,” that there is someone out there who won’t ever leave me, who won’t let me down, who deeply loves every stitch of my existence. Even when all my human relationships seem to be falling away, I know there is one out there who can be the father, the sister, mother, brother, the spouse or loved one I may have never had. And, on top of that, there’s a bonus. As I get to know this loving God, I can also see my human relationships more infused with the integrity and love I always wanted from them.

Do you know when God first noticed something was wrong with the world he’d created? It wasn’t Eve and the apple. It was Adam, standing by himself in the garden. In the face of his glorious creation, God saw that something was still incomplete: He said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” And, still today, we all feel this in our deepest heart. It is not good for us to be alone. We are not complete as human beings until we are in relationship. With others. With our Creator. And he is out there, loving us right now, and waiting to be loved by us. In my highs and in my lows, that’s what keeps me going, and makes life worth living.